WARNING: fucked up shit ahead
The content you want to see is mostly just weird but also contains some really disturbing stuff that may not want to see or that may not be appropriate in most contexts.
Scroll down if you acknowledge that.
The content you want to see is mostly just weird but also contains some really disturbing stuff that may not want to see or that may not be appropriate in most contexts.
Scroll down if you acknowledge that.
A summary of my entire life.
I don’t remember anything.
First year of my life that I actually sorta remember. Back then, I wasn’t even going to kindergarten like other children and was parented by my relatives and people I met outside everyday.
My parents said “Better late than never.” and sent me to kindergarten. Needless to say, it was too late and not enough, as I was only there for 2 years.
Unfortunately, that didn’t stop problems from appearing all the way back then. Even among other stupid children, I managed to act like an idiot, get made fun of, and get regularly punished for bad behavior and not understanding anything. Also I had problems with my hygiene (i.e. brushing teeth and clipping nails) that I couldn’t completely get rid of for a solid decade.
I went to the first grade of a supposedly school for smart children. Honestly, I don’t remember much except actually not being smart and spectacularly failing tasks. My memories of interacting with people are really muddy, but I think it was not that bad compared to what was about to happen.
During that time, I was attending Judo (martial art) classes. A very strange incident made me abandon them. Long story short, I bumped into a goddamn toilet with my permanent front teeth and nearly lost them. I really didn’t want to be missing 2 teeth, so I just dropped the whole thing. Maybe it was a right decision. Maybe it wasn’t. I can’t tell.
We moved to a different apartment and I had to go to a different school. And by “different”, I of course mean one that wasn’t even supposedly for smart children. While it meant I wasn’t that terribly bad in performance compared to others, it also meant that everything was a complete fucking mess, additionally fueled by bullying from my classmates.
During this time, I visited my grandma and my friends that lived near her quite often. The memories of that are now embedded deep in my brain and often appear in my dreams in weird contexts. Meanwhile, I was also quite interested in computer stuff like different operating systems, the World Wide Web, and weird shit you can do with them. By the end of this period, I was de facto a Windows 8 beta tester with a shitty personal website.
Another relocation later, middle school started. This is where the nightmare truly began. It was the worst period of my life by any measure. And when I say “nightmare”, I really mean it. I see this shit in my nightmares. You can probably guess how much worse my relationships with people were, how much worse I performed, and how exactly I was bullied, so I’m leaving it as an exercise to you.
This period was also when it became glaringly obvious that I have serious mental health issues. Unsurprisingly, it was completely ignored by both the school staff and my relatives, and I was the one blamed and beaten for it. The whole situation created a feedback loop that only made itself worse, and it’s a wonder I got out of it at all.
In case you’re interested how bad it got: My hygiene problems only intensified. I started showering about as often as I brushed my teeth, which created such a bad small that only months of complaining managed to did anything. I got serious paranoia issues and started being more accepting of bullshit told by my relatives as long as it gave me hope I’m gonna make it. I had a really weird period when I had episodes when I’d repeat the same action a certain number of times because I genuinely felt like I’d die if I didn’t. I was an absolute embarrassment for the school, especially after licking my dirty boot in public and screaming out loud in class for no reason. What was everyone’s solution? Threaten me and make me scared shitless. Thanks. Anyway, all of these issues lasted for years afterwards and made me truly despise my life.
While all of this was happening, I embraced escapism, played Minecraft all day long, and even recorded videos about it. They were really bad.
One more relocation later, I had to put myself through the final 3 grades of middle school. And oh boy, it was so bad that I not only barely survived it, but I also didn’t go to high school.
To absolutely no one’s surprise, I had great struggles with both the curriculum and the teachers, so staying afloat and completing assignments was nearly impossible. Even without counting additional mental health damage, this made my life even more difficult than before. On top of that, my behavior didn’t get much better, but the people surrounding me did, so my position as a local weirdo punching bag only solidified, and there was about 0 hope of having a serious conversation with anyone. Now I was not only bullied and humiliated, but also never taken seriously and actively worked against. This did actual wonders to my mood, confidence, and stability. So much, in fact, that I was ready to kill myself at any moment if given an opportunity.
In the end, it didn’t lead to anything good. My only way to blow the steam off was spamming and trolling people online. This wasn’t only unethical and annoying, but also made everything worse, especially when I was forced to face the reality and reflect on what I was doing. It didn’t go as far as to appear in my nightmares but did cause serious trauma that I can rant for hours about nonetheless. During the last days of this period, I felt like I hit the rock bottom. My life was so meaningless that I was actively trying to get rid of everything in it by adopting radically minimalist ideologies, including political ones. As a result, it only led to more embarrassment.
Regarding the rest: For questionable reasons, I switched to Linux during this time, and it eventually turned out to be the right decision. How wonderful. I made tons of really bad programming projects, including the worst video game ever created, and an early version of the very website you’re currently at. I also ended up somehow forming my taste in music by watching a single Russian video about Future Funk that led me on a journey of discovering how cool late 20th century American music is.
The school was finally over, and the first 2 years of college began. The nightmare, however, wasn’t over. I still could barely study and had great troubles communicating with people. But to be fair, it wasn’t as bad as before by a long shot. Due to this, I mostly got rid of my awful mindset I’d got before and didn’t feel as bad.
For some reason, I also started recording my dreams. And also watching anime. It also feels like everything flew by really quickly.
Starting from here, the entries weren’t written in retrospect.